Statistics give us the tragic fact that over one in three marriages will end in the divorce courts. The majority of marriages which survive this statistic are by no means immune from problems. In the remaining two thirds of marriages which survive the divorce courts.

Although many marriages will end in the divorce courts, there are many other marriages which are experiencing psychological divorce - this is where a couple may live in the same home together but they are not experiencing the oneness or harmony which God intends for their marriage. For these couples, holy wedlock has become a holy deadlock.

There are many reasons why marriages experience this tension, but it usually begins with, what may be regarded as, little offenses. Severe damage is then done to the relationship over a prolonged period of time when these offenses are ignored or even considered irrelevant. Every husband and wife needs to be aware that any offense committed against their partner - no matter how small - has the potential of producing devastating consequences in their marriage (Galatians 6:7).

Although realizing that offenses can be committed by either partner in a marriage, the husband is perhaps more likely to overlook, or not be aware of, offenses he may be committing against his wife. It is for this reason that I want us to consider ways in which a husband can damage the spirit of his marriage.

Firstly, a husband can damage the spirit of his marriage when he fails to give his wife first place in his life. Whenever a husband is preoccupied with people, possessions, activities, or when there is an over-emphasis with his job or hobby, his wife may begin to doubt his love and become insecure. Scripture warns against this by stating in Ephesians 5:25, "Husbands, love your wives even as Christ also loved the Church and gave Himself for it." The implication of that verse is that Christ gave everything for His Bride; the application is that we, as husbands, must in turn give everything for the bride that God has brought into our lives. We must view meeting her needs as priority over meeting the needs of others - especially our own!

One of the most effective ways that a man can demonstrate to his wife that she is first place in his life, is to establish a regular "date-night" with her. Before marriage, dates were exciting, and an important way of deepening that relationship. But after marriage, such special occasions often become less frequent, and each partner, (husbands especially) soon takes the other for granted. But when a husband establishes a regular time to take his wife out on a date, he is communicating to his wife that she is important to him. It is possible to find many reasons or excuses to evade having these occasions for closeness but they will be a great asset to the marriage if the effort is made.

In our marriage, we have our "date-night" on Friday evenings. I have made myself responsible to find a baby-sitter at least once a month; on these evenings, we may go out for a meal, or simply go for a walk or a drive in the car. During the other Friday evenings we may have a romantic candle-light dinner after the children are tucked in bed. These should be enjoyable times, but they should also be opportunities for allowing, when necessary, intimate conversation to take place - a husband should ask his wife about her fears and feelings about certain situations (especially where decisions have to be made). Getting to know her thoughts and reactions in intimate conversation can help to meet her deepest needs. (My wife, Audrey, has told me that my commitment to our Friday evenings together helps reassure her that she is first place in my life).

If your wife is, indeed, first place in your life, then that should be apparent in many other practical ways. One husband constantly told his wife how much he loved her and that he was even prepared to sacrifice his life for her should the occasion arise. The wise wife chided him, "Well, before you fall over and die, would you mind helping me with the dishes?" Helping your wife with the household chores can help express your love for her in a very practical way. There are other ways in which a husband can make his wife aware of his love: a telephone call during the day just to ask how her day is going and to say "I love you!" lets her know that she is on your mind and in your heart even in the midst of a busy schedule.

Secondly, a husband can damage the spirit of his marriage by failing to recognize and praise his wife's attempts to please him. If a husband is insensitive to his wife's efforts to please him, then she will probably seek admiration and praise from others. This can be particularly dangerous if the wife works outside the home. When appreciation and praise is given in the workplace, it can show up, in sharp contrast, the situation in the home where the wife's efforts are taken for granted. This failure often leads to marriage breakdown and divorce.

The depth of a person's love may be measured by the amount of time and effort they are willing to invest in the life of another. A wife that is committed to her husband will invest a great deal of her energies doing many "little" things to please him. If these are done with the intent to please, and she receives no acknowledgment or praise, she will likely become discouraged and resentful. She also needs to be praised regularly and shown appreciation for faithfully fulfilling her daily responsibilities such as cooking, washing, ironing, looking after the children, etc. As husbands, we need to be more observant to the many things our wives do to make us successful, realizing that they represent her commitment, thought, time, and energy.

Thirdly, a husband can damage the spirit of his marriage by failing to be a strong spiritual leader in the home. One of the qualities a Christian wife longs for in her husband, is that he will be a strong spiritual leader. In most Christian marriages, however, the husband has resigned himself to taking the "back seat" when it comes to spiritual matters. Whenever a husband shows disinterest in the things of the Lord, his wife cannot place her full confidence in him, and thus the spirit of the marriage is seriously damaged.

Fulfilling the role of spiritual leadership in the home demands certain commitments. One essential requirement of every husband and father who desires to fulfill his God-ordained role of spiritual leadership in the home, is that of leading his wife and children in a time of daily, family worship. It is the primary responsibility of the father to teach God's ways to his children - not the Church or Sunday School! The child who only hears God's Word in Church on Sunday mornings and never or rarely in the home, will grow up believing that the Bible is not really important. But the wise father who establishes a daily time with his family around the Word of God will not only gain the opportunity to instruct them in Biblical principles, but he will also gain the respect and admiration of his wife.

Fourthly, a husband may damage the spirit of his marriage by lowering his wife's self-esteem. A tremendous amount of damage is done whenever husbands compare their wives unfavorably with other women. When a husband openly admires the appearance or abilities of other women - extolling qualities that perhaps his wife does not have - she is not only hurt but is likely to become jealous and will come to reject herself. A husband's praise - particularly of his wife's character - is an expression of his love and will promote her self-esteem, which in turn, benefits the marriage.

Fifthly, a husband may damage the spirit of his marriage by lacking in self-control. Before we were married, my wife, Audrey, had some very serious questions that she wanted to ask me. She asked if I loose my temper easily. This is an area of concern to most wives. I tried to reassure Audrey by promising her that I would never raise my voice to her in anger. She made a similar promise to me; and the Lord has helped us to fulfill that promise to one another over the years.

Whenever a husband lacks discipline by venting anger or if he displays moral weakness, then his wife's admiration and respect for him are greatly diminished. One Christian businessman shared that in the early years of his marriage, he would look at other women and comment to his wife on how pretty and attractive they were - not realizing the damage he was doing to their relationship. His wife was devastated! Only years later, when he began to see the damage he had done, he repented and asked his wife to forgive him for all the hurt he had caused her; and, like Job, he then made a covenant with his eyes (Job 31:1).

Sixthly, a husband can damage the spirit of his marriage by failing to respect the opinion of his wife. God created men and women differently, not only in body, but also psychologically. Women think differently than men. They can view individuals and situations from a perspective that most men are not even aware of. God meant it that way! It is often apparent that God has built into women a special sensitivity to issues concerning moral judgment - sometimes referred to as a "women's intuition." For example, it is common for men not to involve their wives in business decisions, but when given the opportunity, wives have been able to give advice which has avoided disastrous consequences. During the trial of the Lord Jesus in Matthew 27:19, Pilate's wife comes running into the scene and shares a caution with her husband: "Have thou nothing to do with that just man." How Pilate, like many of us, could lament, "If only I had listened to the cautions of my wife....!"

A wife may not always understand her own reason for giving a caution. She may just sense that something is not right and feels constrained to share it. However ridiculous it may appear to us men, we should acknowledge this special quality that the Lord has given to our wives, and prayerfully consider what she has to say.

If, over a number of years, a husband has ignored the cautions of his wife, she may be reluctant in sharing anymore with him. He needs to seek her forgiveness, ask her again to share her cautions with him, and reassure her of his commitment to prayerfully consider those cautions together.

My wife recently cautioned me concerning a certain hobby I was keen to take up, because of the amount of time I would spend away from the home. Although most hobbies are innocent enough, they may occupy valuable time that could be more profitably spent with the family. Although I reacted inwardly to her caution at first, I then saw the wisdom of it and thanked her for sharing it with me.

Seventhly, a husband can damage the spirit of his marriage by attempting to correct his wife in public. There may be certain areas of our partners life that we would like to change; but whenever a husband uses jokes or cutting remarks in public, to emphasize something that he has been trying to change in his wife, there will be resulting consequences in that marriage relationship. Her self-worth may be damaged, her respect for him may be diminished, and she is likely to react with a desire to retaliate in public.

Since the wife is a reflection of her husband's care and leadership, a wise husband will refuse to criticize his wife in public, and will instead, seek the Lord on his wife's behalf with times of prayer, fasting, study of the Word, and self-examination.

Finally, a husband can damage the spirit of his marriage by being unwilling to ask forgiveness for mistakes he has made in the past. Proverbs 28:13 says, "He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy." If you have failed in the past, there is hope! It is never too late to start doing what is right. If these programmes have highlighted areas in your life that have damaged your marriage, do not let pride keep you back from admitting to the Lord and to your partner that you have failed. Ask their forgiveness and purpose, with God's help, to be the husband, father, and spiritual leader in your family that God intends you to be.